Soulfood

Dave and Krista Dunham

We must not confuse the corruption of power with the nature of power.

Power is the ability to effect what happens to those around us. We carry power in every relationship to one degree or another.

Scripture teaches us how to steward power according to the purposes of God. Power comes from God. Adam was given authority to exercise dominion over creation. God gives power for the purpose of serving others. The care of others is purpose of God-given power.

Power dynamics in Christian marriage. God does not give us power for our own benefit. Strength protects. Knowledge opens eyes. Influence can encourage. When used properly power builds others up.

“Power over” vs “power under.” “Power over” asks “what I can obtain by the use of my power?” “Power under” asks “what do I have that I can supply you with so that you are able to flourish?” Am I using what God has given me for the good of others, or am I using it to get what I want?

When Jesus speaks about power, he doesn’t say that power is wrong. He demonstrates what power used rightly looks like. He uses it to rescue the helpless, supply the needy, and carry the weak. Jesus used his power in the service of others – love controls how it is used. See John 13 – all authority is given to Jesus, and he washes feet.

How do I use my skills, influence, abilities, in the service of others? Those entrusted to me look to me to use my authority/power to care for them.

In marriage, each spouse seeks to use his/her power for the good of the other. Ephesians 5’s teaching on headship and submission comes from the exhortation that all Christians must submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Everyone submit to one another. Wives to your husbands. Husbands die for your wives. The head is the one who has the highest responsibility to lay down his life for those entrusted to him.

In complementarian circles we tend to go quickly to headship and submission. Marriage is not about determining who is in charge. Marriage is about partnership in exercising dominion over creation. It’s about companionship, intimacy, fruitfulness. Husbands and wives are equally important in the marriage relationship. Both husbands and wives must constantly be asking themselves how their actions and words are supporting the good of their spouse.

The upside-down-ness of biblical leadership (headship) places greater responsibility on the husband to look to the needs of his wife before his own. All of the “one anothers” of the Bible apply to the way husbands and wives live together, not just the ones specially directed at husbands and wise. It is much easier to love one another when the other is encountered only a few times or once a week. The sanctification of living with sinners is most acutely experienced in the closest, most intimate relationships.

Think through the “one anothers” of the Christian life and apply them to marriage. Headship and submission must be anchored to the character of Christ generally.

Power is not inherently bad, but is given by God to a purpose. In marriage, each spouse uses power to promote the other.

A wife’s power in marriage is in her words, counsel, help, and support of her husband. Her goal is neither to disappear nor to dominate. A wife is a helper – someone who does for her husband what he cannot do for himself. She is a corresponding partner who supplies what is wanting in the husband in his calling.

A wife’s influence over her husband should not be discounted. Rebecca (bad? Maybe?) and Abigail (good and wise) are two examples of wives who use their influence over their husbands. Influence does not seek to control outcomes, but to reason and counsel courageously while trusting what she cannot control to God’s sovereignty.

A wife’s influence is not an obstacle to a husband but a support to his calling.

Strengthen – a wife can strengthen her husband by bringing into the marriage what is lacking in him. Her unique abilities and skills and wisdom are gifts to her husband.

Sustain – a wife helps bear her husband’s burdens quietly over time.

Sharpen – a wife sees her husband from a perspective no one else has. She can see his pride or discouragement and exhort him as appropriate. A husband who can only lead when his wife is agreeable is not a good or godly leader.

Submit – a wife can only meaningfully yield that which she actually possesses. Choosing to lay aside agency for the sake of her husband simply because he is her husband is an act of love which invites a humble response. Submission willingly offers trust to one who is worthy of it.

For all of us – what has God given to me to use for the good of my neighbor, and especially my spouse?

How can a husband use his power for the flourishing of his wife?

Safety – a husband and father should not only provide physical protection and support for his wife, but also emotional support – to live with his wife in an understanding way. He is to be a safe person for his wife to come to when she is in distress.

Support – a husband must encourage his wife and her interests and work to build her up in them. He gives her confidence to do what he cannot do for himself, and to pursue her interests even (especially?) at the expense of his own.

Stability – a husband must have integrity and be reliable and trustworthy. He provides firm footing for his wife on which she can stand and build their house together. Proverbs 31 shows us that an excellent wife is grounded in a husband whose heart trusts his wife. He is not afraid of what she will do in their marriage. He doesn’t micromanage or control her daily dealings. He recognizes her competence and entrusts what they have to her.

The one-another passages in Scripture are key in building healthy marriages because marriages are Christian relationships. Don’t forget to use them!