Brad Hambrick
The rise of counseling is related to the industrial revolution and the fragmentation caused by economic mobility. The movement of people in and out of communities causes emotional challenges that often require counseling to help us process.
Solitude and loneliness are not the same. Solitude is a spiritual discipline. Loneliness is a feeling of not being known, and it can happen even in a crowd when I don’t know anyone there. It is not good for us to be alone, so when we feel alone – unknown – it will cause emotional problems which can affect our whole lives.
When we go through times of stress, the uniqueness of our own experience leads us to feel lonely.
The industrial and technological society saturates (and oversaturates) our senses which diminish our capacity to interact with one another. It also places demands on our time that reduce the amount of time we have to spend with one another. And our social skills are underdeveloped or wrongly developed.
Unrealistic expectations on relationships can create a feeling of loneliness as our idealized expectations are not met. Shame is another driver of loneliness as we feel we cannot share the depths of our sinfulness with another human being.
Friendship provides a place where we can be known and understood in ways that are redemptive and bring healing.
Friendship is simple – but not easy.
7 Questions, 5 Depths, and a Summative Exercise
What’s Your Story? What’s Good? What’s Hard? What’s Bad? What’s Fun? What’s Stuck? What’s Next?
Our stories include characters who have meaning to our lives and episodes that define the way we think of ourselves and circumstances that influence the way we view reality. Friends know the characters, episodes, and circumstances of our lives.
What’s good (saints), what’s hard (suffering), and what’s bad (sins) are things that people who know us, who are our friends, know about us.
What’s fun – what is life-giving and enjoyable for me? Friends know this.
What’s stuck – things that used to be fun and good and life-giving, but now are not.
What’s next – where am I going or trying to go? What am I hoping for? What dreams to I have, and what dreams have I lost? Friends know these things about me.
5 levels for each question:
- Dreams that got you here
- Dream you’re working on
- Dream that is fading
- Dream for the next season of life
- Dream you’re afraid to say
What’s Your Story? – Can I do a junior-high level book review of each of the people I consider myself to be a friend to? If not, it’s something to work on as a community – knowing each other at the first couple of depth levels.
What’s Good? – Play “good gotcha” within your community, promoting and honoring one another and thanking them for their contributions and faithfulness.
What’s Bad? – Work on being a community where we get the “not that bad” phone call. The call that comes at the beginning of the problem, before it gets so bad that it becomes disruptive to a person’s life and the life of the community.
Not every friendship can be at level 35 – we have the capacity for 2-4 of these. We need to savor the benefits of every level of friendship.
Friendship is mutual – consider the “one anothers” of Scripture. When a relationship is 80/20 it isn’t a friendship, it is a helping relationship. A person who cares far more for me than I do for them, that is a helping relationship – not a friendship. Helping relationships (both sides) are good and healthy, but we need friendships – 60/40, 50/50 type relationships where we are helping each other mutually. A true friendship balances vulnerability and curiosity and compassion.
Soulfood 
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